The Power of Emotional Control: How to Stay Hopeful Through Cancer

Discover how emotional control can help you face fear, anxiety, and uncertainty with strength and faith during your cancer journey.

In their book I Have Cancer, Now What?: 12 Things You, Your Spouse, and Your Family Must Know in Your Battle with Cancer, Carson and Cindy Boss share how learning emotional control became one of their most powerful survival tools. Through shock, fear, anxiety, and doubt, they discovered that managing emotions wasn’t about ignoring pain—it was about finding the courage to face it. Their story reminds every patient and family member that while you can’t control cancer, you can control how you respond, and that emotional steadiness can help you find hope even in the hardest moments.

Chapter Two: Emotional Control

It would take a lot of time to describe all the feelings we experienced as we faced cancer. Our life quickly became an extreme emotional roller coaster. However, there were two main emotions that emerged simultaneously . . . shock and fear. Other emotions seemed to pile on as time went on.

We had experienced shock and fear individually at different times throughout our lives, but rarely at the same time. We could both instantly recall where we were and what we were doing when Mount St. Helens erupted or when we witnessed the live feed of the Challenger space shuttle disaster or the images of the terrorist-hijacked planes crashing into the Twin Towers before our eyes. It shocked us that these events could happen. The fear would soon settle in with the realization of how little control we had over situations in this world outside of ourselves. These episodes of foreboding happened outside our home from a distance. Cancer had infiltrated our home and now was personal.

The Pattern

Cindy

I had always tried to live a healthy lifestyle. I worked out often and ate plenty of fruits and vegetables. The fact that I could get cancer so young was shocking in and of itself, but dealing with the thoughts of having a disease that could take my life away left me full of fear. I worried that I would not live to see my fortieth birthday. I also worried for my children. Who would take care of them if I died?

The fear of the unknown or worry about what could happen occupied my mind throughout the entire cancer experience. I didn’t want my family, especially my kids, to know just how scared I really was at the thought of having this disease. I felt I needed to be strong for them as well as for myself. I think these thoughts and emotions are very normal when an unexpected or traumatic event enters your life. It’s sort of a coping mechanism that tells our mind and body, It’s time to focus and work harder than you ever have before.

Carson

Finding out my wife had cancer brought these two emotions of shock and fear front and center. The shock that this could happen to such a healthy person was followed by the unrelenting fear of losing her.

Based on my previous experience with cancer, I figured it was a disease you get when you’re older and have lived a good, long life. The shock was my wife having cancer in her thirties and the fear of not knowing what it was doing to her body. There was definitely a repetitive thought pattern that left me feeling helpless.

As we awaited the results of the tests, question after question kept flooding our minds. What stage is the cancer in? What is the survival rate of each stage? What are the treatments and side effects? What happens if it has spread? What happens if it is fatal? Who would help raise our four young children?! One dark thought after another kept piling up in our minds.

Sleep became more difficult for us after the diagnosis.

Cindy

I never really slept well to begin with as I moved through my thirties. Getting used to listening for the children or noises from outside always kept me from getting into a deep sleep. Knowing that a cancer was growing inside my body made sleeping even more difficult. After I found out the stage and type of cancer we were dealing with, I would lay awake at night thinking about what treatment plan I should go with and wondering if the chemotherapy and all the surgeries would actually get rid of all the cancer. These thoughts occurred nearly every night and kept me awake through all hours of the night. It was a relief when the sun came up because I knew everyone else would be awake and I wouldn’t be left with my own thoughts darting around in my mind.

My treatment plan began with a mastectomy. I decided a mastectomy of the breast that was affected would give me the most peace of mind.

The surgery went well, but, once again, I had trouble sleeping—only this time it wasn’t the worry; it was the pain. Since I get very sick from pain medication, I couldn’t take anything strong enough to ease the aching and tenderness. I couldn’t get comfortable in my bed, forcing me to sleep on the couch in an upright position for about three weeks. Even months later, I still had a difficult time sleeping because I was so uncomfortable in any position. I felt tired and sleepy almost every day.

Once chemotherapy began, severe sleep deprivation became an everyday occurrence.

I became more and more sick and weak with each chemotherapy session. I often felt too dizzy and nauseated to sleep. I would just lie in my bed, day and night, with my eyes closed, wishing the headaches and queasiness would go away just long enough for me to fall asleep. I often felt too exhausted to function for a week after each chemo treatment.

The lack of sleep really took a toll on my physical, mental, and emotional state. There were some moments during each day when I was able to fall asleep. As long as another adult was there to take care of my children, I could let myself fall asleep. I knew that sleep was important for my healing, but it was difficult because I would feel guilty for not being able to fix dinner for the family or help my kids with homework.

Carson

I would wake up, time after time, just staring at my wife with my mind racing. I knew it was taking a toll on my health and that I needed to pull myself out of this rut.

But how?

I walked around in a daze until I finally made the decision to deal with the reality of the situation. I had to come to the realization that people do die from cancer . . . but the majority of those diagnosed survive. I needed to change my outlook to get out of the fog I was in.

To help us quell these emotions, we went back to those world events mentioned earlier and realized that if we could get through those and the world kept moving on, then we could get through this together. Up to this point, they were the most notable experiences we had in overcoming these two emotions, but now it was more personal. Mount St. Helens was replanted; space missions continued on; New York City and the nation recovered and built new buildings. No matter the outcome, we had to believe we could accept it and move forward.

Faith

Our religion and belief in God was paramount in helping us deal with these emotions. We came to realize that life offers the good with the bad and that we have to learn to “manage” both. Other couples that battled the disease together that we reached out to commented that their faith in a higher power helped them as well. Some of them were able to overcome these emotions quickly, while others took longer. No two people are alike, but they all learned to keep their faith and let it carry them through.

Once we were able to get on top of the feelings of shock and fear, other emotions would take their turn creeping into our lives. Cancer changed our ability to easily control them. We noticed we were more emotional, and these feelings would come over us without warning. You might notice this as well. You’ll never know when or where these feelings will manifest themselves, but you are about to ride a roller coaster of emotional extremes. Here are a few others we took turns dealing with.

Depression

Cindy

I had felt depressed at different times in my life, so I knew the signs and symptoms of depression. While some people going through cancer treatments feel depression set in during the beginning of diagnosis or the middle of chemotherapy, I didn’t feel any depression until I had finished chemo, radiation, and all reconstructive surgeries. I don’t know why it hit me then. I should’ve felt relieved or ecstatic that I completed and survived such a long and difficult process. Maybe I felt guilty that I lived through the treatments while others weren’t so lucky.

Sometimes I still feel sad when I hear people say that I’m a breast cancer “survivor.” It makes it sound like I fought harder than those who passed away from the disease. But I know that’s not true. They fought the cancer just as hard, if not harder, than I did, but for some reason, it was their time to go onto their next mission. Still, I felt guilty that I had survived.

Perhaps another reason my depression came later was because the notes, phone calls, and visits ceased.

I did enjoy talking to people during this challenging time because the conversations seemed more meaningful and sincere. People were more open with me when I was sitting on the couch wrapped in a blanket with my bald head reflecting the lamplight. I think I missed all the hugs, all the visits, and all the heartfelt conversations.

However, I’m sure it was the complete exhaustion of the whole cancer experience that had finally caught up with me that caused the depression. I never did go to a counselor or psychologist. But if you feel depressed or feel like you need to talk to someone about your emotions and experience, please call your health care provider. They will have a list of professionals for you to call. Many cancer centers have psychologists and counselors to speak with that specialize in cancer patients.

Carson

Depression snuck up on me quite often in different forms. I found myself not caring about many things. Negative thoughts of Why did this happen to her and to us? continually crept into the forefront of my mind and beat on me constantly. I didn’t feel much like getting outside and doing many of the things I liked to do.

The only way I could pull out of these moments was to immerse myself in each phase of her cancer treatment. Once I realized their necessity, the process helped me keep my mind focused, and I was less likely to slip into negative thought patterns. It became easier to cope with.

The more you learn about cancer and realize how prevalent this disease is, the more you understand that most people will have to deal with depression at some point. We don’t want to say that misery loves company, but the isolation you first feel can be quelled by this realization. You will gain a new perspective on the medical field and advancements in technology that will help you fight this feeling. You really do have millions of others in your corner.

You begin to think less of “why” it happened and more on “what” can be done about it.

You’re not alone.

Anxiety

Cindy

Anxiety is a very common feeling to have when faced with the unknown. I remember feeling anxious at the beginning of each new stage of the cancer adventure. Once I found out I had breast cancer, I felt nervous about having surgery and chemotherapy. It’s the uncertainty of how our bodies and minds will react to the treatments that make us nervous. I do know that learning about the treatment plans before making decisions helped me alleviate some of the anxiety. You’ll find so much information on the Internet, and it can be overwhelming sometimes. However, focusing on the facts rather than reading sad or negative stories will help you feel more in control and positive throughout your journey.

Carson

The course of my wife’s treatments and surgeries took eighteen months. It can take longer depending on the type of cancer. Not knowing how your spouse will respond to procedures, drugs, surgeries, etc., can create a lot of anxiety. There is usually a long list of side effects with many of the drugs that makes you wonder if the one benefit is worth the unknown to begin with.

In our technological age, we’re used to getting our information quickly and with little effort. With medical websites, we can ask questions and get information with a few strokes on our keyboards. In other words, we have become incredibly impatient.

You must have patience when it comes to medical issues that deal with cancer. The sooner you come to this realization, the less anxious you will feel.

Results from tests, screenings, treatments, and more tests can take weeks. Fight the urge to get impatient with medical personnel, as they are not purposely dragging their feet. They are as concerned with finding out the results as quickly as you are so that they know what they are dealing with and what the appropriate treatment options will be.

Most hospitals have cancer boards where multiple doctors will discuss the patient’s case in detail and try to compare it to other cases they have treated that are similar. There are so many different variables that go into a proper course of treatment, but know that their recommendations come from many years of experience.

We learned early on that we would rather have them check and recheck and debate test results than rush to a conclusion and start a treatment strategy that wasn’t appropriate. It is better that they get the correct determinations the first time rather than force a decision based on your own impatience. Depending on the stage and type of cancer, a best-case procedural protocol can then be established.

Keep calm. Help them help you by not forcing the process.

Anger and Resentment

Cindy

Some cancer patients go through a time when they feel angry. They might be angry because they have cancer or angry because they can’t do all the activities they were doing before cancer. I never did feel anger toward anyone or anything during my whole cancer experience. I do know that anger is very common and a very normal emotion to have during such a stressful time.

However, I do remember feeling grateful that I was the one with cancer rather than my husband or one of my children. I think it would be very difficult to watch a loved one suffer with severe nausea and pain. Since the cancer was in my body, I felt that I was the one in control of it. I could actually feel what was happening on the inside rather than observing what was happening on the outside. Maybe focusing on the positive things or thinking about what I was grateful for helped alleviate any anger.

Carson

My wife is one of the healthiest people I have ever met. She exercises regularly, watches what she eats, restrains from drinking alcohol, caffeine, or soft drinks, and does not smoke. It took me years to get her to eat red meat, and she does that only occasionally. Other than a torn ACL from playing indoor soccer, she had never had any major health problems.

Then this happened to her, and I kept asking, Why her? How could someone so healthy get a disease like cancer? It was these thoughts that led to anger and resentment.

I would look around at the people who were in the doctor’s office and clinics and know my wife did not belong there. If she were a lifelong smoker, worked with cancer-causing chemicals, or were subjected to chemicals in a war, I would have had an easier time understanding.

Indeed, what you eat, the things you take into your body, and other lifestyle choices can increase the chances of cancer, but family genetics and history can play just as large a part in getting cancer or other diseases. For example, some marathon runners have higher cholesterol levels than couch potatoes.

Every doctor we met with pointed out the indiscriminate nature of cancer. It targets whom it targets. Some people can chain-smoke into their nineties without it ever surfacing, while a new baby can be born with it. It’s a disease that is out of our control most of the time. After many appointments, we finally realized this and let go of the anger and resentment.

This made it easier for us to have compassion for those that are fighting the disease and to stop judging how or why they got it.

Paranoia

Cindy

My feelings of paranoia came about a year after all my surgeries and treatments were complete. I began to develop some digestive problems and worried that my cancer was coming back or a new form was growing. I had some tests done, and everything came back normal. Even now, five years later, I still get nervous each time I get a new ache or pain. Whether the pain shows up in my elbow, foot, or stomach, I get paranoid that the cancer is coming back. I’ve talked to several cancer patients that feel the same paranoia with any new sensation that happens with their body. I think once you realize that cancer can strike you unexpectedly, your senses become more alert and you realize that you’re really not invincible or immune to all diseases.

Carson

Paranoia was one of the strangest emotions for me to get a handle on.

It hit me hardest when I would have to pay a bill. I began to wonder if the doctors were making things up to get more business. Cancer treatments are not cheap, and as the medical claims began to roll in, I started questioning every service. I couldn’t help but wonder if they were telling us she needed them so they could make more money. (Remember, we’re talking about hundreds of thousands of dollars.)

I kept envisioning myself involved in some sort of medical conspiracy à la Erin Brockovich.

Maybe the government is involved and is protecting its medical business interests like it protects its oil interests.

Maybe my wife’s X-rays from her knee injury were the cause of this.

The hospitals know it and are not telling anyone.

Maybe other less costly treatments halfway around the world are more effective and they’re not telling us.

Etc., etc., etc. . . .

I watch too many movies and read too many books about conspiracy theories—can you tell? I needed to avoid these forms of media to quit putting these thoughts in my head.

Nobody is out to get you.

Once you learn about the medical advancements that are being made in detection and treatment, you will realize the medical field is trying to eradicate cancer . . . not foster it. The government is actively helping to fund cancer research, not deter it. Occasionally, you will read about a doctor that misdiagnoses patients to get more business, but those cases are so rare. With all of the medical malpractice suits being brought before the courts, you can see why doctors want to be as thorough as possible.

Jealousy

Cindy

What a selfish emotion jealousy is, especially during a time like this. But it can happen more often than you think.

Have you ever felt jealous? Maybe you envied your friend’s nice car or your neighbor’s ability to look amazing in any outfit. Jealousy is a very human emotion that can consume you if you’re not careful. I found myself feeling jealous over the smallest things when I was going through treatments. When I was having chemotherapy, I couldn’t eat anything. All food and drink tasted like either cardboard or metal. Toward the end of the chemo, I remember being so envious of people around me and their ability to taste the delicious-looking food on their dinner plates. I was so sick and so hungry, yet I couldn’t get any type of food or drink to go down without gagging or throwing it up.

I also envied people who were out running and laughing with their family or friends. I guess I was feeling sorry for myself because I didn’t have the strength or energy to get out of bed, let alone play soccer with my kids. Even though I think it’s normal for cancer patients to feel jealousy at one point or another, it’s important to not dwell on those thoughts, or that emotion can consume you.

Once I realized the negative thoughts that made me feel jealous, I tried to focus on the positive things that were happening.

For example, I didn’t have to spend hours on my hair or makeup since I was bald and had no eyelashes or eyebrows to work with.

I also tried to focus on the moments when my kids would lay by me in my bed. I would ask them lots of questions about school and have them tell me any new jokes or funny things that happened during the week. We also read books and played with toys together on my bed or the couch. If I felt any negative thoughts coming on, I would watch a comedy or uplifting movie. I was usually too nauseated to read a book, but I know several cancer patients who would read good, positive books. It was also helpful to talk with my husband about his feelings and to find out how he was doing with all the added responsibilities.

Carson

After my wife was diagnosed, I was willing to discuss her progress with everyone who showed interest, and it was comforting to know so many cared. But the longer it went on, the more I realized no one asked about me anymore. I began to feel like I was invisible. When we were together and saw people we knew, I was bypassed completely. Even my children seemed to ignore me more often. I felt like I was doing so much and no one was noticing.

You have to understand: no one is doing this on purpose.

People that really care about you will naturally be worried about the biggest part of your life, which should be the person who has cancer. What concern they show for your spouse should let you know they care for you.

Your spouse needs this attention now more than ever. How would they feel if everyone acted disinterested or as though everything were normal? I cringe to even fathom the thought. Hearing from me who asked about my wife that day and relaying their words of encouragement lifted her spirits and, in turn, lifted mine.

The gifts, the flowers, the letters, and the cards not only help your spouse but also can help you sweep away these envious feelings that may crop up from time to time.

As these and other emotions surface, never lose sense of your responsibility to stay in control and focused on positive emotions that can aid in healing and constructive dialogue. Learn to deal with any negative emotion you feel before it consumes you.

If by nature you’re prone to depression and negative emotions, get help now. Reach out to others, read self-help books, and/or get counseling. You will need to learn skills to be able to control yourself and handle the added responsibility.

Take the Next Step on Your Journey Toward Healing

^{Excerpt from I Have Cancer, Now What? by Carson and Cindy Boss.}