Sharing Isn’t Always Caring: Why Forcing Kids to Share Might Not Be the Best Idea

Sharing is caring, but wanting to share is the most important part. Here’s how to manage playtime sharing that’s actually beneficial.

Ah, sharing. It’s the holy grail of childhood virtues. Parents dream of their little ones playing harmoniously, handing toys back and forth like mini philanthropists. But let’s face it: in the real world, teaching kids to share often feels like negotiating a hostage release. The truth is, sharing isn’t always caring—especially for kids. Sometimes, forcing them to share can backfire, leading to meltdowns and a lack of genuine empathy. So, how can we encourage our little ones to share without making it a battleground?

The Great Sharing Dilemma

Imagine this: your child is deeply engrossed in playing with their favorite toy. Along comes another child who demands a turn. You swoop in with, “You need to share!” and suddenly, chaos ensues. The first child is now clinging to the toy like it’s a winning lottery ticket, and the second child is on the verge of a meltdown. Mission: Sharing? Failed.

Why does this happen? For kids, their toys are their treasures. Asking them to hand over their prized possessions can feel like an invasion of their little kingdoms. It’s not just about the toy; it’s about control, security, and a sense of ownership. Forcing them to share can lead to feelings of resentment and frustration, both for the child who has to give up the toy and the one who’s waiting impatiently.

The Empathy Myth

Here’s a common misconception: forcing kids to share teaches them empathy. But does it really? Empathy is about understanding and sharing the feelings of others. When we force a child to share, we’re not necessarily teaching them to be considerate of others’ feelings. Instead, we’re teaching them that they have to give up what they love just because someone else wants it. That’s not empathy; that’s compliance.

Empathy develops over time and through example. Kids learn empathy by seeing it in action, not by being coerced into giving up their belongings. When we force sharing, we’re skipping the crucial step of helping them understand why sharing can be a kind and generous act.

So, if forcing sharing isn’t the answer, what is?

The Art of Turn Taking

Enter turn taking, the unsung hero of peaceful playdates. Turn taking teaches kids patience, fairness, and respect for others’ time and possessions. It’s a win-win for everyone involved.

How to Implement Turn Taking:

1. Set Clear Rules: Explain the concept of turn taking to your child. Use simple language and be consistent. “You can play with the toy for five minutes, then it’s your friend’s turn.”
2. Use a Timer: Visual aids like a timer can work wonders. When the timer goes off, it’s time to switch. This removes the subjective “just a few more minutes” that can drag on forever.
3. Practice Patience: Waiting for a turn is tough, especially for little ones. Acknowledge their feelings and praise their patience. “I know it’s hard to wait, but you’re doing a great job!” You can also offer something else for them to do while they wait.
4. Be a Role Model: Show your child what turn taking looks like in your own actions. Let them see you taking turns with others in everyday situations.

Sharing by Choice

Another effective approach is encouraging kids to share by choice rather than by force. This empowers them to make decisions and feel good about their generosity.

Encouraging Voluntary Sharing:

1. Model Generosity: Kids imitate what they see. Be generous in your own actions, whether it’s sharing your dessert or offering to help a neighbor.
2. Praise Generosity: When your child chooses to share, give them positive reinforcement: “That was so kind of you to share your toy with your friend!”
3. Create Sharing Opportunities: Set up scenarios where sharing can naturally occur. For example, during snack time, encourage your child to offer some of their treats to others.
4. Encourage Empathy: Take time to discuss why another child might want to play with your child’s toys, and relate those feelings to what your child might be feeling.
5. Respect Boundaries: Recognize that there are some things your child may not want to share, and that’s okay. Respect their boundaries and discuss why they might feel that way.

Understanding Ownership

A crucial aspect of teaching kids to share is helping them understand the concept of ownership. Kids need to feel secure in what belongs to them before they can comfortably share with others.

Teaching Ownership:

1. Personal Space: Encourage your child to have a special place for their belongings, like a drawer or a shelf. This helps them feel a sense of ownership and security.
2. Ownership vs. Sharing: Explain that while they own their toys, sharing doesn’t mean they lose ownership: “It’s still your toy, even if you let your friend play with it for a while.”
3. Respecting Others’ Belongings: Teach your child to ask for permission before using someone else’s belongings. This mutual respect fosters a healthy understanding of ownership and sharing.

The Bigger Picture

Ultimately, the goal is to raise kids who are not only willing to share but who also understand the joy and importance of generosity. This takes time, patience, and a lot of modeling from their parents.

Remember, every child is different. Some kids might naturally take to sharing, while others need more guidance and reassurance. That’s perfectly okay. The key is to create an environment where sharing is seen as a positive, voluntary act rather than a forced obligation.

The True Meaning of Sharing

So, the next time you find yourself in the middle of a toy tussle, remember that sharing isn’t always caring—at least not in the way we often think. By focusing on turn taking, voluntary sharing, and a deeper understanding of ownership, we can teach our kids the true meaning of generosity and empathy. And who knows? Maybe one day they’ll share their favorite toys without a second thought. Well, we can dream, can’t we?

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^{Shaelyn Topolovec earned a BA in Editing and Publishing from BYU, worked on several online publications, and joined the Familius family. Shae is currently an editor and copywriter who lives in California’s Central Valley.}