15 Hilarious Quotes About Dads (from Famous Dads Who Get It)
Think your kids are driving you crazy? You aren’t alone. Enjoy 15 hilarious quotes about dads from famous fathers who feel your pain.
As actor Martin Mull once said, “having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.” If your kids are currently driving you crazy (or if you’re the source of your father’s headache), take comfort in knowing you aren’t alone. The fathers in the book Daily Fatherhood get it.
We’ve collected 15 of the most hilarious quotes about being a dad—all from famous fathers who’ve been there before. By dads, for dads, these are the kinds of quotes that make a hilarious Father’s Day card. The perfect pick-me-up for fatherhood in progress.
1.
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.”
—RED BUTTONS, ACTOR AND COMEDIAN
2.
“Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories.”
—JOHN WILMOT, POET
3.
“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”
—RODNEY DANGERFIELD, COMEDIAN
4.
“Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.”
—RED SKELETON, COMEDIAN
5.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.”
—FRANKLIN P. JONES, HUMORIST
6.
“My father always said there are four things a child needs: plenty of love, nourishing food, regular sleep, and lots of soap and water.”
—IVY BAKER PRIEST, POLITICIAN
7.
“Kids from the moment they’re born, they fill your heart with love . . . and terror.”
—C. J. TUDOR, AUTHOR
8.
“You have to be adaptable because they constantly keep changing. They’ll do something that blows your mind and then they’ll spit all their food out on the carpet.”
—NEIL PATRICK HARRIS, ACTOR
9.
“Having children is like living in a frat house—nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
—RAY ROMANO, ACTOR
10.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
—LEO J. BURKE, PSYCHOLOGIST
11.
“My daughter got me a ‘World’s Best Dad’ mug. So we know she’s sarcastic.”
—BOB ODENKIRK, ACTOR
12.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
—ED ASNER, ACTOR
13.
“As long as they promise to change my diapers when I get old, I’m happy.”
—KEVIN HART, COMEDIAN
14.
“Playing golf is like raising children. You keep thinking you’ll do better next time.”
—CHARLES E. MCKENZIE, CONGRESSMAN
15.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24–36 hours.”
—CONAN O’BRIEN, COMEDIAN
Discover More Card-Worthy Quotes in the Book
Daily Fatherhood
Excerpted from Daily Fatherhood.