Choosing Mom Wellness: Rest or Solace—Without the Guilt

Choosing mom wellness doesn’t have to come with guilt. Explore rest and solace options with tips from therapist Rebecca Fox Starr.

Motherhood is full of decisions—big and small—that can leave even the most confident moms feeling guilty. Should you hit snooze for a little extra rest, or wake up early to enjoy some quiet time for yourself? In this excerpt from Rebecca Fox Starr’s interactive book Am I Doing This Right?, moms are guided through the choice between rest and solace—both valid paths to mom wellness. Throughout the immersive story, practical tips and gentle guidance help mothers let go of guilt and embrace the wellness benefits of making intentional, self-nurturing choices.

Tired in Your Bones

A Planning-Ahead Story

The light is streaming in through a small crack in the blinds. Shadows shaped like diamonds dance across your bedroom wall welcoming the new day.

The sky is like sherbet. You’re still wrapped up in a not-quite-dreamy-yet-not-quite-awake state of consciousness. As your thoughts begin to clear, you hear your old favorite song playing from the small speaker of your iPhone.

You’ve been meaning to change that. It’s amazing how something so wonderful can morph into something so dreaded, simply by dressing up as an alarm. Morning has come, and you are still exhausted. Wiped. Tired in your bones.

You’re in a new phase of parenthood. You no longer have diapers or bottles or nap schedules to wrestle with. Now, you are the parent of kids. Kids with sticky hands, boundless energy, and strong wills.

You love every inch of their sticky hands, boundless energy, and strong wills, even when it’s not so easy to enjoy those things. They make life so much more vibrant, and it feels like a privilege to see things through their eyes. You didn’t realize how long it had been since you had stopped to look at the little, normal, commonplace things with such wonder.

And, you have to admit that life with kids is both so much better and so much more challenging than you could have ever imagined.

There are inane arguments, explosive tantrums, and epic messes. There are toys that no one will touch for years but which, as soon as one child decides to use it, suddenly becomes the most important object on earth, causing meltdowns of enormous proportions. There are meals ruined over the color of a cup and nights ruined over the wrong bedtime story.

Then, there are the sweet times, when your children astonish you with their empathy, compassion, and wisdom; when they use new words, learn new skills, and grow new inches; when they help one another and, more importantly, themselves; and when they’re independent, innovative, and inspiring.

You mediate when your kids are fighting and melt when they’re showing each other love. Being a parent is all the things. And, managing all the things, and feeling all the things, leaves you tired. So, so tired.

As your alarm continues to sound and the sky continues to lighten, you realize you have a choice to make: to wake or to snooze.

It seems like an easy decision, but it’s not. It never is. Do you prioritize sleep or free time? Which makes you a better parent? A better human? Can you be both?

Choice Point: Do You Want to Wake Up Now?

1. If you decide to snooze the alarm, continue reading.
2. If you decide to wake up in that moment, click here.

Choice 1: You decide to hit snooze.

You peek at your phone, avoiding as much of the blue-light as you can, and notice the title of your alarm: SLEEP=WELLNESS. You’d planned ahead.

You press the button for the SLEEP=WELLNESS alarm, giving yourself an extra thirty minutes.

As hard as it can be to accept sleep is so important. Especially in this phase of things where your kids are old enough to run—but not old enough to run by themselves all day. With enough rest (though, is there ever enough rest?), you’ll be better equipped to tackle the challenges ahead, even if it means you miss out on any peaceful alone time before you have to pivot into parent-mode.

You know that for some, sleep is the most important thing, and, while for others, solace is most important. While you wish you could have both, in this moment, getting some rest will be the healthiest choice for both your body and your brain. This is why you’ve planned ahead.

You’ve created a routine for yourself, but, like most things, there has been a steep learning curve. By prioritizing sleep and arranging your mornings to do so, you miss out on other things. You’ve learned parenthood has changed all things physically, emotionally, and logistically. In your daily life, you no longer have alone time, with the house quiet and light low. You no longer have the freedom to eat breakfast without little fingers grabbing for your cream of wheat or chocolate croissant or, in the darkest of times, coffee.

You no longer have time to check every box of the to-do list before heading out for the day. Things remain unnoticed, unfinished, undone. It feels selfish to prioritize your own rest over all of these other things, but you’re trying to make more of an effort to do so.

It’s something you’ve been working on. In the past, you used to try to get up and shout half-hearted offers from under the duvet. “I’ll get up . . .” you’d say, trying to convince yourself as much as others.

Then, there was the, regrettably, passive-aggressive phase, when you’d exclaim, “No, you don’t have to get up. I can do it. Just give me a few minutes. I’m still sooooo tired.”

The problem is that people, sometimes, associate sleep with laziness and you suffer from no one’s judgment more than your own.

You are so hard on yourself.

You’re trying to be better about it, but you’re also trying not to be too hard on yourself for being so hard on yourself. You were once called out for apologizing for apologizing. You’ve been trying to be a better self-advocate.

So, you set an alarm that serves as a reminder, in shorthand, that you need sleep. Even when you don’t feel like you (though you arguably do) deserve it.

This morning, this extra time to rest is a blessing, as always. Your heavy eyes close once more, sinking deeper into your cozy covers. It can be hard to go back to sleep in these moments, and you need every moment of rest, so you rely on a body scan to help. It’s been part of your new effort. Sometimes, you fall back to sleep right away, but on days like today, you need this helpful tool.

Starting with the tip of your toes, you slowly, deliberately, relax each part of your body, letting go of every drop of tension. You guide yourself through this exercise, as you’ve practiced it, and are a pro.

You relax your toes.

Then, you relax your feet.

Then, you relax your heels.

Then, you relax your ankles. Let them just sink into the bed.

Your entire body from the ankles-down is completely, totally relaxed, like you’re melting into the sheets.

Next, you relax your calves.

Relax your knees . . .

And, before you can go any further up your body, before any more boxes are checked or pastries are swiped or negotiations are made or apologies are uttered . . . you’ve drifted back off to sleep.

Congratulations! You’ve Collected Coping Mechanism Badge of Mindful Mapper.

Scroll to the bottom to continue the story ↓

Choice 2: You decide to wake up in that moment.

As you start to wake up, both mentally and physically, you peek at your phone and notice the title of your alarm.

SOLACE=WELLNESS. You’d planned ahead.

You turn off your alarm and shake the last remnants of sleep from your head.

As hard as it can be to accept, for you, this alone time is so important. With enough time (though, is there ever enough time?), you’ll be better equipped to tackle the day ahead, even if it means you miss out on a little more sleep. You prefer your alone-time to be spent while you are conscious, as opposed to unconscious, though you can appreciate the need for both sleep and alone time.

You know that for some, sleep is the most important thing, and, while for others, solace is most important. While you wish you had time to accomplish both things, getting some time to yourself will be the healthiest choice for both your body and your brain. This is why you’ve planned ahead.

Sub-choice Point: Do you want to get out of bed?

1. If you choose to get up and out of bed . . .
2. If you choose to wake up but stay in bed . . .

Grab the Book to Continue the Story and Earn More Badges

^{Excerpt from Am I Doing This Right? by Rebecca Fox Starr.}